MY BELOVED CHILD

June the 6th, what a day of joy!!! I found out that you existed through a positive pregnancy test. It was a bit unexpected but it was a wonderful surprise!! My heart was filled with great joy as I expected and anticipated your arrival!!

Your dad and I began to dream about you and to make plans for our future with you. We were very curious to know if you were a little boy or girl and began to imagine how you would look like. We began to choose a name for you and imagine each detail of your physical appearance, personality, your gifts, everything. What a joy!!

July the 9th, what a day of anguish!!! It was our first visit to the doctor and she could not find your heartbeat in the Ultrasound. Is it possible that it’s still too early to detect? The possibility of you not being alive filled our hearts with deep, deep sadness.

We spent a week praying and asking God to breathe his breath of life upon you. We knew He could do a miracle!

July the 16th, what a day of deep sorrow!!! The doctor could not see you at all in the Ultrasound and she told me that the gestational sac was already collapsing and that I would have a miscarriage. Your dad and I could not believe it! Actually, I had a really hard time accepting the truth. I hoped and dared to believe that you were still alive or that Jesus would perform a miracle and give you back to me; especially because you are still here, inside of me…

July the 28th, day of revelation!!! Two weeks have passed and you are still here, inside of me. My hope of Jesus performing a miracle was still alive because I know God’s character and I know HE CAN DO IT if that’s His will. But today God revealed me the truth. Dad and I were praying and I saw you in my arms. Jesus was in front of us and He was asking me to give you to Him. He was asking me to release you onto His arms of love… At that moment my heart knew that you did not belong here, you did not belong to me, you were not alive! My heart broke in a million pieces under that revelation and after many, many tears and a sea of pain I was able to release you into Jesus’ arms. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life.

As soon as I gave you to Jesus I could see your face and you were smiling. In the depths of my heart I knew that that was your place; that was where you belonged. I knew that Jesus’ arms were the best place for you to be but that did not take away my pain and sorrow.

You are still here, inside of me but now I know that this is not your place…

Your dad and I have been crying and grieving since then and we feel deeply inside of us the pain of loosing you. It hurts because you are part of our future, you are part of our plans; you are part of ourselves that we are missing. It hurts to know that I’ll never be able to get to know you, to know your personality, to know your gifts and talents. It hurts to know that I will never be able to hold you in my arms… It hurts!!!

What gives us some comfort is the certainty that these are God’s plans for your life and for our lives. For reasons that we do not understand now you had a brief existence here on earth but we know that you live forever in eternity!! Praise God!! We know that God dreamt about you since before the foundation of the earth and that He planned the day of your conception. You were not a mistake! He planned each day of your existence and He even planned the day when you would meet Him. We know God is in control and we know that His plans are perfect although painful for us at this moment.

What gives us some comfort is the certainty that one day, we will see you face to face, we will hold you in our arms and we will worship Jesus together, in eternity: mom, dad you and Julia, your big sister. It was my privilege to have you in my womb for a few weeks and for that I’m thankful! You are a very important part of our lives and will always be! You will be remembered with tender love, always!

I anticipate the great joy that it will be the day that I will see you face to face and that I’ll be able to hold you in my arms. Meanwhile, I want you to know how much we love you and how much we miss you.

May God bless you, my beloved child!

With all my love,

Mom!

CALIFORNIA

We've just arrived from Irvine, California, where we spent a week at Concordia University taking part at the Exodus Conference. Living Waters (Matthew's ministry) is part of Exodus. Exodus is a ministry created to help people to understand the roots and causes of homosexuality, to help strugglers deal with it and find freedom in Jesus Christ and also it trains people that minister to strugglers. Its main focus is homosexuality but it applies to all kinds of brokenness, mainly sexual brokenness. Because, as they said throughout the entire Conference, the opposite of homosexuality is NOT heterosexuality, it is sexual wholeness; and that, we find in Jesus.

It was an amazing time with amazing teaching and a heavenly worship. I was not able to take part of all the teachings because of Julia but I prayed that God would take me to the ones I'd take the most out of and I believe He did that and I truly enjoyed our time there.

It was also great for Matthew to network with people all over the country and from other countries too. It was our first trip off island after we got married and Julia's first flight. She did great, by the way!

We came back to an awesome transition time. We finally found a new house!! So we are in the process of moving. Cleaning the new place, packing and the final move will be on the 14th of July. Coming up fast but we can hardly wait for it. We are so ready to have more space!!

We know God provided this place for us because He confirmed to both of us and to the owner, who is also a Christian so we do believe He will provide the finances because the rent is twice as much what we pay now. We live in a 400 square feet studio apartment and with Julia and a new baby on the way there's not way we can make it in here. But God is good and faithful and He ALWAYS come through! Praise Him!!

We are very excited and thankful for this new place, please, pray with us during this transition time so that things will go smoothly.

With love